I’ve touched on exits in other posts on this blog, today I want to face one head on: infidelity. Unfaithfulness. Crossing the line. The line is clear: if you don’t want your partner doing what you are thinking of doing, you’ve found it. When people in committed relationships have an affair, with or without sexual acts, they have on some level accepted that they are risking their relationships. Of course, there are exceptions; some very conscientious, decent, loving and kind people have crossed that line for very specific reasons. The aim here isn't to judge, but to understand.
Affairs are transient so when people have them their lives become exactly that: temporary. From the moment that line is crossed to the moment when all things are laid peacefully to rest, no matter how you slice, it the all lives involved are suspended.
If your partner has done this and you’ve chosen to work things out, I respect that. I wish only happiness for you, your partner and anyone else involved, so I will tell you about the pattern I’ve seen that may (or may not) apply to your situation.
Usually, infidelity is a sign that exits of the permanent kind might be in the future, as in it could be the beginning of the end. At the very least it's a wake up call. Relationships don’t do well with half-ins so when a partner goes outside it, the connectedness within it shifts.
Many relationships survive this when two things are present: wholehearted forgiveness, paired with wholeheartedly remorse. It doesn’t matter which happens first, the forgiving or the remorse but it’s critical that both occur at some point at the same time. They have to get there and stay there.
The advice I give here this: please be very honest with yourself, is the forgiveness or remorse indeed, wholehearted? If you aren’t sure, or if you’re wondering whether or not you can get there from here, my hope is that you find the answers soon. None of this is easy, so I wish you peace in your heart.
